If Nothing Else
by Sunshine and Chocolate
Summary: Derek left the strange house that morning hoping that what he had done would make him feel better. Derek wanted to say that he had gotten back at her, if nothing else.
1. Chapter 1

If Nothing Else

Rating: PG-13 (warning strong language used)

Pairing: Derek/Addison

Spoilers: None

Summary: Derek had thought that if nothing else he could say he had gotten back at her. Funny thing was... didn't work out that way.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Author's Note: I just kind of had this idea bouncing around in my head about the very first night Derek slept with Meredith. What was really going through his head? I want you to know that I am only going off of my viewing of S1 and S2 so I am not going to say it will be compatible with things learned in later seasons.

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Chapter 1

The fresh morning air of Seattle hit Derek in his face. It made it easier for him to focus on what he needed to do. The night before had been a rough one and as he stood on the porch of a home that was not his, it fully hit him; the gravity of what he had done came crashing down upon his shoulders.

He brought up one of his hands and ran it over his face before running it angrily through his dark hair.

"Fuck." Derek whispered to himself.

He started down the steps and walked along the sidewalk until he found his car. It was the rental car that he had been using until he found something a little more suitable for him in his new town. Derek had left his own Mercedes in New York and once he had arrived in Seattle, a rental was his only option.

He opened the door and felt the rain on his hand make it slippery.

The noise it made as it slammed closed made his head hurt. Derek supposed that he had had more to drink the previous night than he remembered.

It was that drinking that had landed him in this mess of waking up in a strange woman's house. A woman whose name he must not have asked for last night considering the fact that only mere minutes ago they had exchanged such pleasantries.

Derek put the key in the ignition and turned it until the engine roared to life.

As he started to navigate the Seattle streets on the way back to his residence the impact of his actions just hit him harder and harder. In all honesty, though, it was not just the drinking that had landed him there. In the spot he was in at this very moment.

It was because of _her_.

The woman all of his actions came back to since he met her, pretty much. The woman his life and his heart had revolved around for years now.

He had been getting drunk on a regular basis since he had come to Seattle. Derek had been trying to forget what had driven him across the country. It just seemed that the more alcohol he consumed the angrier he got.

The alcohol did not make him forget about it… it made him remember it thus making him seek out a way to let out his frustrations and all of the other pent up emotions he had.

So he had thought… maybe it would make him feel better to do to her what she had done to him.

Derek realized that he had been dead wrong.

Instead of feeling triumphant he was feeling defeated and depressed. The truth was that he felt like he had cheated on his wife. And he was starting to realize why he felt that way.

Even though he was no longer with her… in his heart Derek was still married to her.

"Fuck."

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End of Chapter 1.

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	2. Chapter 2

If Nothing Else

Chapter 2

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The air was still and quiet in his hotel room and the hellish day he had had fell squarely on his shoulders as he lounged on his bed drinking a beer, staring at nothing in particular.

He felt like he was being punished by the cosmic powers or something.

As if his own self-loathing thoughts that had bombarded his mind all day long hadn't been enough punishment, the worst possible scenario had happened.

Derek shook his head.

That wasn't true because what happened had never crossed his mind as a potentially possible scenario, good or bad, so to say he was shocked was putting it mildly.

He had thought that it would be all over after last night. The plan had been to even the score, to do to his wife what she had done to him then be done with it. But that was hardly the way it worked out.

Derek should have known that something like that was going to happen since he had planned on living happily ever after with Addison and that had recently been shot all to hell.

As far as plans went, lately, his were not the best.

So it _should_ have occurred to him it could turn into some sort of pattern. No happily ever after and no one night stand that stood as simple revenge.

It was like he was jinxed. Maybe he needed some juju maybe he should call room service for some hot chocolate.

He closed his eyes and banged his head hard against the headboard of his bed trying to shake her constant presence from his thoughts.

Like that was ever going to happen.

If it hadn't been for her then he wouldn't be in the situation he was in at that particular moment because he would have never sought out revenge on her under the misguided notion it would make him feel better. No sleeping with best friends on her part, no revenge on his, and all would be fine in his world which at the moment would be a nice change.

Maybe he shouldn't have picked someone up at the bar across from the hospital he was working at now. Derek should have realized there was a good chance she worked there and as it turns out, she does.

Meredith, the random stranger whose house he had woken up in that morning was an intern set to be working with the attending surgeons at SGH for a year. Of course, Derek was now one of them and he would be working with her for the whole next _year_.

What a way to cure a hangover, coming face to face with the second to last person he wanted to see at his new job. And she was second only to a certain ex-best friend of his that was now sleeping with his wife.

Derek groaned out loud as the frustration rolled over him in waves and the images flashed before his eyes involuntarily. He could hear the hushed moans of pleasure; see the fire-like auburn hair splayed over the pillows, the way her eyes had been closed to the world, the hurried rise and fall of her bare chest glistening with sweat, and the man moving above her, moving inside of her with his hands all over her, touching her all over, and anywhere he could.

His eyes snapped open and he could feel the sting of the tears that were spilling over his cheeks as they burned their way down the stubble on his chin before falling onto his t-shirt.

His fingers were clenched around the beer-can crushing it a little and his chest was tight and constricted as his tears really got going at a rapid speed. The faster they began to descend down his face, the harder it was to keep his breathing under control of some sort.

Derek's vision was beginning to blur, and the off-white walls were becoming distorted as he kept staring at them in a futile attempt to concentrate on something, on anything, on nothing.

"Fuck it." He whispered angrily into the still air.

And then he just lost it and let himself do the one thing he had wanted to since literally catching them in the act.

Derek cried.

And cried.

And cried.

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End of Chapter 2.

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	3. Chapter 3

If Nothing Else

Chapter 3

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_He smiled down at her in his arms as they lay tangled up together on their bed and leaned his face down as he rubbed his nose with hers. She smiled wider and her warm breath flitted across his face and sent fierce tingles down his spine and it urged him to close the distance between them; he kissed her softly on the mouth. She immediately accepted his lips on hers and began to react._

_The contact was soft at first. It was lovely and loving. It was the physical, simple expression of how deep and true their feelings went for one another. It was a perfect kiss for their perfect love. Her lips were smooth, inviting, and sensuous while her hair was silky as his fingers twirled it around and around again just relishing in the fact that this woman was his to keep. She was his to love and cherish and kiss and it was more than he could have ever hoped for in his life._

_And what was even more amazing was that she loved him back just as much and just as strongly and only him. He knew that because of the look in her eyes when she stared at him and the moans that escaped her lips when he touched those sensitive spots only he knew about. He knew she loved him and trusted he was the only guy for her._

_He pulled back just enough to look into her blue-green eyes and he saw that dreamy, love-struck expression there that proved his musings to be correct. It filled him with so much pride; it was a fantastic ego boost. God, he loved her so much. It was almost unbelievable how much he loved her._

_She snuggled in closer to him and wrapped her slender arms around his neck. She sighed happily and he smiled even wider._

"_I love you, Mark."_

_The words were worse than any physical pain Derek had ever felt in his life and he immediately pulled away from her._

"_Addison, don't do this to me." He pleaded._

Derek felt his eyes tug open and reveal the bleakness of his hotel room. He stilled for a moment as the dream he had just had flooded his senses with emotions, and sensations that he didn't care much for. The betrayal and the heartbreak were the two most prominent among those and they were by far the worst of them too. It was the kind of pain that probably could have brought him to his knees if he weren't lying in bed.

It still was enough to make his hands sweat and his body shakes slightly.

His eyes began to adjust to the dark and he rolled on to his back with his sheets tangled up over his bare chest. Derek rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes until he could almost feel the sting of tears begin to form behind his lids. Derek wasn't sure if he was trying to wake himself up more to leave behind his dreams or trying to physically remove the lingering images from his mind.

Which ever worked, he guessed.

Then there was that strange tiny part of him that wished he could go back to the dream too.

If it weren't for the last few moments, he would gladly have returned to the dreamland where he could cuddle and bask in the warmth of Addison, on their bed, in their own world of kisses, touches, and making love. Derek would have gladly returned to a place and a time where Addison could look at him with adoration and eternal love and just be happy to be with her and she with him.

Derek slowly lowered his hands and opened his eyes to the darkness once more. It wasn't the first time his dream world had been disturbed by the mere mention of his former friend and the only times those dreams were harder to take was when they were actual nightmares where Mark was there in the flesh. No, it wasn't the first time Mark had turned his blissful dreams into horrid nightmares. That guy was inescapable. There was just no getting away from what they had done and how they had hurt him. They completely ruined everything.

And the scary notion was that it may not have been just sex, that it may have been going on for a long time, that it may still being going on, and that they weren't sorry for it at all.

That was what scared Derek the most sometimes… that they weren't sorry for the hurt that they had caused.

**Ring. Ring.**

Derek turned his head toward the bedside table and furrowed his eyebrows. It couldn't be the hospital because they always paged him and he wasn't on call for tonight, anyway. And if it wasn't the hospital he couldn't think of who could be calling so late. Well, he couldn't think of who could be calling at all really. He hadn't made any friends at SGH since he had arrived and he wasn't interested in friendships.

**Ring. Ring.**

He reached over to grab his phone and flipped it open to see who it was and Derek felt the oddest mix of emotions in the mere blink of an eye because it felt like his heart soared out of his chest and then did a swan dive into the pit of his stomach and made a crash landing there.

It was _her_.

Derek hesitated.

He wasn't sure he could talk to her.

He wasn't sure he wanted to talk to her.

He wasn't sure he could not talk to her.

He wasn't sure he did not want to talk to her.

So he just looked at the phone in his hand. And stared at the name on his caller identification and sat in his bed. It was like he was frozen in time and there wasn't anything he could do about it.

He just stared.

When the ringing stopped and the room was silent once more, he began to breathe again and sighed out in deep relief or disappointment.

Derek wasn't quite sure which he felt more of at that moment knowing that Addison called and he hadn't done anything.

Derek almost jumped out of his skin when the phone buzzed to life in his hands a second later and he looked down at it again as he regained his senses. He realized moments later that he had a voice-mail. It was a voice-mail from her.

And as much as Derek had been unsure about whether he wanted to talk to Addison or not just a minute ago, he did not hesitate to press the button on his phone and brought it up to his ear as the message began to play for him. He _was_ sure he wanted to at least hear what she had said.

And his heart stilled in his chest as her voice registered in his ears for the first time in weeks.

"Derek… it's me. I was… um—just thinking about you. I was wondering where you are. It's not like I deserve a call letting me know you are okay or anything. But no one has heard from you in a while… and I am worried. And I—Derek—I wanted to tell you—I mean… look if you could just let someone in your family know you are okay, that would be great. Derek, me back if you want."

Derek let the phone drop from his ear and onto the bed and it made a soft thud when it hit the comforter. He sat there for a few more moments and just let the silence overwhelm him as he took in the softness of her voice as she stuttered her way through that message. Her voice didn't make it any easier and the images of the dream he had awoken from did not totally fade from his memory but he knew one thing.

Derek wanted to hear it again and so he picked his phone back up, pressed another button on it, and held it up to his ear once more just as the message began to play for a second time.

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End of Chapter 3.

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	4. Chapter 4

If Nothing Else

Chapter 4

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He had his head bent over the file and was reading it intently for the millionth time in the last hour or so making sure he had every single one of his bases covered going into the surgery later on. Derek felt that he could recite the chart from memory at that moment and it made him feel damn good.

And it felt damn good to feel damn good about something in his life when everything else had gone to hell.

His surgical abilities had never failed him and every fiber of his body told him that they never would. Of course, it was that confidence that led him to actually being able to dig around in another person's brain on a daily basis.

Derek wished that confidence and certainty could carry over into other parts of his life. He lacked the energy to face the parts of his life that scared him so deep down in his core that his gut told him the answers wouldn't be easy on him. That he was bound to get hurt further.

It was that same gut feeling that told him that Addison would just continue to push and push until he caved and finally gave her what she wanted. Addison would be the motivation to face those fears because she was his motivation for many things and he hated her for it.

His mind began to whirl with thoughts of her again. Her voice had been haunting him since she had left that first voicemail days ago and every one she had left since that he had listened to so many times he had lost count.

She always sounded the same in each message. Desperation and frustration laced her every word as hard as she tried to hide it and present that calm front that had gotten her so far in her life.

Derek could always see through her. She was heartbroken over what she had done. He knew it and it gave him hope. Hope for what he wasn't sure but he knew he hated her for that too. And he wanted to comfort her and tell her it would be okay like he had so many other times but he couldn't. He shouldn't want to comfort her or make her feel better or make herself inflicted pains disappear.

Who gave her the right to make him feel sorry for her? She made him feel like he was the only person in the world that could cure her hurt and sadness. It wasn't fair that she made him feel like it was his job to do so even though it was all her fault.

And it was _all_ her fault.

Derek knew that. He relied on that.

"Hey Derek."

He jumped about a foot into the air as he turned toward the sound and was greeted by the sight of his old friend and mentor Richard Webber standing next to him with a knowing smirk on his face as well as an apologetic look in his eyes.

"I didn't mean to startle you." He began gently.

Derek shrugged as he put the pen he had been holding in his hand into his scrub top and turned to greet Richard with as warm a smile as he could muster these days.

"How've you been?" Derek asked and leaned his elbow on the counter as Richard took another step toward him.

"I've been a lot better than you have lately." Richard said bluntly.

Derek shook his head dismissively and tried to brighten that fake smile on his face.

"What do you mean? I've been great." He answered.

Richard looked down upon him sympathetically and put a hand on his shoulder. "I know it isn't easy on you but running away from the problem and her isn't the answer. Putting the entire continental U.S. in between the two of you isn't going to change anything."

Derek felt the darkness creep out of the box he kept it tightly contained inside of and into his demeanor but he tried his best to keep it in check in front of Richard.

"Look, you may think you know what is going on but you don't so I think it would be best—"

"She called."

Richard continued to look at him sympathetically.

He felt like he had been slapped. "She called? What—what—uh."

Richard chuckled a little at his failed attempt at forming a sentence before returning to a more sober look.

"She's worried about you. Addison said you weren't answering any of her phone calls."

Derek did his best to keep a look of indifference upon his features as Richard continued with what was quickly turning into an unwanted lecture.

"Actually the first time I spoke to her-"

"You spoke to her more than once?" He questioned quickly and was disappointed by the harsh emotional tint his voice held.

Richard smiled sadly. "Of course I have. She is an old friend and a former student sick with worry and I could help. Anyway, she called wondering if I knew where you were. It's been weeks since you arrived. Derek, how could you not tell her or anyone else where you were?"

Derek looked at him sharply. "Why should I? Why should I care at all about her concerns or her worries?"

Richard sighed. "Derek—"

He held his hand up to silence the man before starting in on his child-like temper tantrum.

"If she was so concerned about me and my well-being than she should have thought about that _before_ she slept with him. If she was so worried about my feelings then she should have thought about that _before_ she slept with him. If she cared about me so much that she calls all over the country looking for me then she should have thought about that _before_ she slept with him!"

Richard tried to interrupt but once again Derek silenced him.

"I am sorry Richard but I just can't worry too much about all of the concerns and worries she has for me after she slept with him! Oh and did I forget to mention that she slept with him in _our_ bed! As if the mere act of betrayal wasn't enough for me to swallow they made sure I got a very vivid memory to go along with all of the heartbreak. And now you want me to feel bad that Addison is worried about me? I don't think so."

Derek felt the wind fly out of his lungs as he finished and felt the remorse immediately replace the anger and rage that had filled his body a moment ago. He looked at Richard with sadness and regret.

"I am sorry Richard. You didn't deserve that."

Richard shook his head. "No, Derek I didn't but I understand. You can't keep pretending that you are this perfectly unattached guy that is just enjoying his new job."

Derek ran his hand through his hair. "I _am_ enjoying my new job."

"And you are using it to hide your true feelings and run away from your problems. I am not saying that you have to talk to her or answer her phone calls or anything along those lines but I do suggest you stop pretending you're fine."

"I _am_ fine."

"Right except the mini-meltdown you just had prompted by the mere mention of her. And you're right, all of the areas of your life that aren't touched by her memory are fine but I would challenge you to name even one area that doesn't somehow connect back to her in your heart or your head."

Derek sighed as he felt the energy float out of him. "Can we just stop talking, Richard? I need to get back to work."

Richard nodded again and slapped him on the back. "Sure just think about what I said. Now get back to it Shepherd. You'll never beat out Burke for my job if you slack off."

He moved to Derek's side and began to walk away but not before halting to a stop as they stood next to each other because he apparently had one last thing to say.

"And I would watch myself around Meredith Grey if I were you."

"Why is that?" Derek asked slightly panicked and anxious. The last thing Derek needed his old friend, mentor, and current boss to know was that he had slept with one of his interns.

Granted he had not been aware of that when they had had sex but it still did not look good or make him feel good about his job.

Richard shrugged. "I see the way she has been looking at you. Nothing may be going on but it doesn't mean she doesn't wish it was. Trust me, when I say the last thing you want to do is cheat on your wife. It won't make your problems go away. Adultery isn't the answer."

And he left the young dark haired man to his work and his heavy heart as Derek whispered to no one but the empty silence all around him.

"I wish you had told my wife that."

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End of Chapter 4.

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	5. Chapter 5

If Nothing Else

Chapter 5

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"The hair though, you know I've always had a thing for Russell Crowe."

The words were simple enough and not exactly new to his knowledge. The smell of her perfume, the sway of her hips, and the way that even hospital lobby fluorescents made her hair look amazing were not simple and very hard for him not to acknowledge.

As hard as it was for him not to think about how amazing she still looked it was one thousand times as hard not to react to the soft whisper of breath her words created against his ear and the shiver it sent down his spine.

Derek was pissed.

Beyond livid.

He was heartbroken.

Beyond sadness.

But he still had a pulse and he was still a man and Addison was still just as gorgeous as she had ever been and goddamn it all to hell. He was still attracted to her.

He was lost in his thoughts as she walked away. He never saw which way she went and the things she said were floating in mid-air to him. Wanting to get inside his brain and tell him to react to important things. React to her words. React to the fact that she was here and that she was staying for a few days. React to the fact that she was right if he had picked up one of her calls then maybe he wouldn't have been blindsided.

Derek couldn't react. He just numbly hobbled over to the nearest seat and flopped down into it.

He had hoped this would not happen. That it would never ever happen and still it was something he had known was coming since he left home. One would think he would have prepared for this moment then, right? Did Derek? Fuck no.

He found himself running his hands over his face and through his hair as if trying to shake off any remnants of Addison that may have lingered. Not because he was disgusted but because he wasn't disgusted and he had wanted to be.

She flashed in front of his eyes the moment he closed them. Black skirt, black jacket, red lips, long legs, and high heels. It would have been so much easier if she had not walked into the lobby looking as if she had walked out of his every fantasy.

Black, she had to choose it. She would.

Derek knew she knew that was his favorite color on her. Sure, he had always liked the blue and the red and on occasion a nice purple or whatever she was wearing but black was _black_ and on her it was sin.

He dug the palms of his hands into his eyes trying to remove her from his vision. Why did she have to be here? Why did she have to hate him? Did she enjoy the torture she made him endure? Her presence, her voice, her smell, and none were easy on him. It wasn't easy on him when she was standing in front of him or from three-thousand miles away.

Derek was unsuccessful in each attempt to rid him of her so he dropped his hands to his sides and opened his eyes. He looked out at the miscellaneous people that milled around the hospital lobby totally unaware that his world had been turned upside down once again by the very same woman that had done it the first time.

Where did that put him exactly? Was he upside down or right side up or was he may be back where he had been to start with?

Derek smiled sadly to himself and shook his head. What was he supposed to do now? How long would she be here? When would she leave? Did he want her to leave? Did he want her to stay? Did he want to stay? Would Seattle become another city that reminded him of pain every time he turned a corner? And most importantly, why did he care?

_Why_ did he care? Derek really wanted to stop caring. That had been his mission from the very start to stop caring and stop feeling.

He really wanted to have seen her tonight… completely unexpected and not have that immediate reaction to seeing her. Derek hated that he had even noticed she was there and that he cared. Derek had wanted it to be like she was just another beautiful face in the crowd. But he had cared and had had that reaction to her. It was the reaction that pulled him to her. It was like some instinctive thing.

Derek huffed out a breath. Once upon a time he had thought they were soulmates. Derek had thought that was what finding your soul mate felt like. He had thought he was so freaking lucky to be one of the few people to know that feeling.

Maybe he had been wrong or maybe not but what really pissed Derek off was that he still felt it.

Whatever that feeling was it was still there. Nothing could erase.

And Derek had tried.

He tried sleeping with another woman. Derek felt a sick satisfaction sink into his bones that perhaps Addison would find out about that little twist of fate considering she would be working with said woman.

It would serve her right.

Still the plan had blown up in his face when it had failed to make him feel better.

Crying had not been the complete catharsis it was cracked up to be, dreaming about her had been torture, and the sadness in her voice on each voicemail message she made had been more than he could ever bear but still he was so pissed off because it never worked.

No method he had ever tried ever worked out.

Nothing worked out.

Derek laid his head back on the back of the chair he was sitting in. And as he looked up at the high ceiling of the hospital it hit him like a ton of bricks.

She strode into the hospital. Addison set her sights on him and made him melt from fear and anxiousness and excitement. He reacted like she had probably known he would because to be honest… he was still a guy and she was still the most gorgeous woman he had ever known dressed head to foot in his favorite color looking like she had found what she had been looking for her entire life and _he_ was the precious find. With that sultry smile on her face and that fierce look in her eyes it had hit him like it had never before.

Addison was still his wife.

He was still her husband.

Derek knew that that meant something. He could not be sure what that something was but considering they had been married for eleven years and the reaction he had just had at the very sight of her even after her affair, he felt that something was probably important.

He sighed once.

"Fuck."

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The End.

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